Post by Ry on Jun 30, 2005 13:48:19 GMT
Day 1 - Dave admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Greeny. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Matt is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Glen later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Tompa creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Amin hits him with a chop stick.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of The Sandpiper out of snack size Pot Noddle. After much persuasion by Tompa, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the The Sandpiper task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Glen, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the snack size Pot Noddle. Amin is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the The Sandpiper task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Glen farts and blows The Sandpiper over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Greeny cries.
6 - Tompa gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Greeny admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a chop stick. Dave says he never wears condoms because they make his colon sore and Tompa agrees. Matt goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Glen sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Tompa.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Dave goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Amin and Greeny are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Dave.
9 - Amin and Greeny are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Matt sings them a song - Fallen Angel - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Greeny out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Greeny leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Greeny's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Matt has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Amin is visibly depressed and is comforted by Tompa, who tries to touch her on her eyeball.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Tompa touching Amin's eyeball over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Glen refuses to run because his colon hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Glen finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Amin calls Glen a lazy colon.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Dave tells everyone individually that he thinks Amin is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Amin and Tompa are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Dave.
16 - The nominations are announced. Amin can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Tompa is equally stunned and turns to Amin for comfort. Glen is distraught and confesses to Matt that he thinks he is in love with Tompa. Matt says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Tompa out of the house. Amin says she is gutted and even gives Tompa a clipping of hair from her eyeball to prove how much she cares. Glen is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Tompa leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Amin clipping the hair from her eyeball. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Botswana in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Botswana sounds like but Glen says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Dave as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Dave successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Botswana but also God Save The Queen, Fallen Angel and the theme tune to The O.C.. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Dave tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Glen and Matt are nominated.
23 - Glen and Matt take their nominations well and sit down with Dave and Amin to discuss why they voted for them. Dave keeps quiet but Amin accuses Glen of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred colon before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Matt out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Matt leaves.
25 - Dave becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Dave's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of flea dung using only a chop stick. Dave is unsure but Glen is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Glen breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the flea incident from his childhood. Amin tries to persuade him to stay but Dave sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Glen decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the flea dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Amin from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Dave asks Amin to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Dave nominates Amin to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Amin.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Amin graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Dave is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Dave takes his £70,000 and runs away to Botswana. Nobody, including Amin, ever sees him again.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Tompa creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Amin hits him with a chop stick.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of The Sandpiper out of snack size Pot Noddle. After much persuasion by Tompa, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the The Sandpiper task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Glen, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the snack size Pot Noddle. Amin is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the The Sandpiper task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Glen farts and blows The Sandpiper over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Greeny cries.
6 - Tompa gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Greeny admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a chop stick. Dave says he never wears condoms because they make his colon sore and Tompa agrees. Matt goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Glen sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Tompa.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Dave goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Amin and Greeny are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Dave.
9 - Amin and Greeny are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Matt sings them a song - Fallen Angel - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Greeny out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Greeny leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Greeny's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Matt has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Amin is visibly depressed and is comforted by Tompa, who tries to touch her on her eyeball.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Tompa touching Amin's eyeball over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Glen refuses to run because his colon hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Glen finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Amin calls Glen a lazy colon.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Dave tells everyone individually that he thinks Amin is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Amin and Tompa are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Dave.
16 - The nominations are announced. Amin can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Tompa is equally stunned and turns to Amin for comfort. Glen is distraught and confesses to Matt that he thinks he is in love with Tompa. Matt says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Tompa out of the house. Amin says she is gutted and even gives Tompa a clipping of hair from her eyeball to prove how much she cares. Glen is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Tompa leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Amin clipping the hair from her eyeball. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Botswana in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Botswana sounds like but Glen says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Dave as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Dave successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Botswana but also God Save The Queen, Fallen Angel and the theme tune to The O.C.. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Dave tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Glen and Matt are nominated.
23 - Glen and Matt take their nominations well and sit down with Dave and Amin to discuss why they voted for them. Dave keeps quiet but Amin accuses Glen of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred colon before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Matt out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Matt leaves.
25 - Dave becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Dave's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of flea dung using only a chop stick. Dave is unsure but Glen is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Glen breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the flea incident from his childhood. Amin tries to persuade him to stay but Dave sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Glen decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the flea dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Amin from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Dave asks Amin to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Dave nominates Amin to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Amin.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Amin graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Dave is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Dave takes his £70,000 and runs away to Botswana. Nobody, including Amin, ever sees him again.